A Little Treatment
by The White Council
Summary: The White Council has decided to counsel the inhabitants of Middle Earth through Psychiatry in hopes to create peace in Middle Earth. Will eventually showcase other beings from different worlds. See inside for further details.
1. Welcome to the White Council

/ Author's Note: This is more of an experiment than anything...I will start with Lord of the Rings characters and then expand to other universes. Submit a review if you want to have a certain person to come to the psychiatric clinic, or submit a compliment or constructive feedback. I own nothing, except my madness to my methods. Here we go! /

Rivendell was the last homely house in the West, but now it would be the headquarters of a therapy clinic, as well as a place for patients to stay and relax for a while.

"Welcome to the White Council," the sign read.

"What is the point of this" Saruman exclaimed, pointing to the sign and then pointing at Gandalf.

"We believed that if we counsel those who are troubled, perhaps we can help heal the injuries of Middle Earth" the Grey Wizard explained.

"We took a vote Saruman, it was four-to-one in favor" Elrond stated.

"That's because Cirdan will not have to partake in this" Saruman rebuked.

"We thought of many paths we could take, and Mithrandir's seemed to be most logical and helpful" Galadriel said, looking at Gandalf with kind eyes.

"Fine, but this counselling could be the end of us all" Saruman huffed, his face a light shade of red.

"Try some mushrooms, they help anxiety - or mine at least" Radagast offered.

"I do not want your mushrooms, fool" the White Wizard shouted.

"This will be interesting" Elrond sighed.

/ Thoughts anyone? Feedback greatly appreciated! There is now a forum where the White Council and others will be answering questions, check it out if you're interested: Ask The White Council. Here is the link: forum/Ask-The-White-Council/125844/ Thanks!/


	2. Aragorn

"Aragorn, please have a seat" the Grey Wizard said, motioning to a chair.

"What do you wish to discuss Aragorn" the wizard asked, noticing the Ranger was not going to speak anytime soon. Aragorn opened his mouth, but shut it.

"Alright, how about you begin by telling me about your childhood."

"Um...well... my father died when I was very young, and my mother and I came to Rivendell for refuge. She died shortly after and then I was left in the care of Lord Elrond" Aragorn began.

"Continue," the wizard said.

"I guess I had a good childhood. I would play with the other elvish children and that was fun, though they would pick on me and make me stupid things like run around naked when there was a large banquet."

"And this still haunts I am guessing."

"Legolas has never forgot to mention it, seventy five years now and still going strong."

"And then there's the issue of you falling in love with Lord Elrond's daughter" Gandalf stated.

"Bwa...how did you know" Aragorn stammered.

"If I could give you a mirror every time you looked at her, you'd see the dumbstruck face that I see. Oh, and Elrond told me just before one of our meetings - very little gossip around Middle Earth you know."

Aragorn took a little time to recover before talking again.  
"I love her, and I know her father doesn't approve, but I just love her so much. I feel like he's sent me away on this impossible quest and hoping I die on the way."

"You did volunteer yourself" Gandalf pointed out.

"Did I?"

"Yes Aragorn, you did. You offered your sword and protection."

"Oh...Well I don't want to be a King. I just want to live a peaceful life with Arwen, have a few kids, become Lord of Rivendell - wait, you won't tell Elrond this will you?"

"I will try not to, but I guarantee nothing if he gives me one of those high-eyebrow glares" the wizard replied honestly.

"So just clarify your wishes, you don't care about the fate of Men" Gandalf asked.

"Well you kinda put it as if I was cruel or something, but yeah I suppose so" Aragorn admitted.

"Mmmkay, I will make a note of that so that when I die, you'll bear sole responsibility for the Fellowship until I return."

"What?!"

"No need to worry about that now, here have some Old Toby" the wizard offered and stuck a lit pipe into the Ranger's mouth before he could protest anymore. Once Aragorn took a breath and breathed out, he was relaxed.

"Ooh, would you look at the time. Looks like this session's over. I suggest you find yourself some good pipeweed and stay away from Wargs and cliffs" Gandalf finished and gently pushed Aragorn out the door, the pipe still in his mouth.

/Okay, so first session up. Let me know how it is - I'm still figuring out how to best write humor, so helpful feedback is greatly appreciated! Thank you!/


	3. Frodo

"So Master Baggins, what seems to be burdening you" Elrond asked.

Frodo shifted slightly in his chair.

"Is it the Ring?"

"No, it is not that...I cannot find time to myself! Sam is always bugging me, Smeagol or Gollum or whatever his name is always trying to kill me and The Eye is constantly staring at me. Do you know how irritating it is to have a giant flaming eyeball watch you 24/7?"

"Let us deal with one thing at a time. Have you considered telling Master Gamgee to give you some time alone?"

"I suppose I could, but I would probably blow up in his face because I would be so annoyed with him."

"Patience is a virtue."

"Mr. Frodo this.. Mr. Frodo that.. Gollum is going to kill us in our sleep..blah, blah, blah - how am I supposed to be patient with all that crap in my ear" Frodo interjected.

"I see. You should try to understand that he is trying to take care of you."

"He's a gardener. He takes care of plants, not hobbits" Frodo argued.

"Well, the only advice I can give you is take deep breaths and take some cotton balls to stick into your ears if you need some peace and quiet, always works for me" Elrond suggested.

"Yeah, I suppose I could try that" Frodo sighed.

"Now why are you allowing the creature Gollum lead you to Mordor when he has obviously shown hostility towards you?"

"No idea. I smoked too much pipe weed that day, besides he said he knew the way."  
Elrond rose from his chair and picked up a map.

"You are here," he said pointing to Rivendell, "Mordor is here. The stars will guide you."

"I do not know how to read stars and what about when it is day time?"

"Read this" the Elf stated, grabbing a large book and giving it to Frodo, "and use the map."

"Could we not use the eagles to fly to Mordor" Frodo asked.

Elrond gave him a piercing look,  
"That would not be wise Master Baggins. Nazgul would hunt you down, orcs would shoot you down and most importantly, things must be done."

"But why? It would be a straight shot and it would be done in a week."

Elrond pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a long breath; he had forgotten how simple hobbits thought.  
"As I said before, you would not make it anywhere near Mordor on an Eagle with the Ring attached to your neck with Nazgul and Sauron looking for it. That's it. Capeesh. End of story."

Frodo looked a bit disappointed and then asked, "what do I do with Smeagol?"

"Put him into a sack and drag him with you to Mordor. When you get to the Volcano, he will probably bite off your finger when you are wearing the Ring, and then push him off the ledge. Kill two birds with one stone."

"Why can't I just leave him now? Seems like a lot of work to carry a sack all the way there."

"If I told you, you would be disappointed with yourself and I don't need a another depressed hobbit as it is. Any more questions?"

"What about the Eye" Frodo aked.

"Tell him to shove off and that it is an invasion of privacy and should he want to know what you were up to, ask him to write you letters instead. That conclude our session. If you want to book another appointment, let the Elf outside know" Elrond finished.

Frodo smiled and took the book and map and left.


	4. The Witch King, er Gary

Radagast sat in his comfy chair petting his hedgehog friend. The door opened and in walked the Witch King. Radagast immediately stood and put the hedgehog in his robes. Grabbing his staff, he prepared himself as best he could.

"Whoa man, no need for hostilities. I heard about this therapy clinic and thought I would come in" the Witch King said in his creepy voice.

"Y-y-you attacked m-me s-sixty y-years ago" Radagast stammered.

"Oh I remember you. Yeah, sorry about that, I can get a bit cranky after a nap."

"You came at me with a sword!"

"I admit I got carried away. Look can we move on from it?"

Radagast eyed him suspiciously before lowering his staff.

"Good, can I sit" the Nazgul rider asked.

The Brown Wizard nodded slowly, keeping his distance.

"So I want to talk about my appearance-how others see me. I get this impression that everyone's scared of me."

"I wonder why" Radagast muttered unnoticed.

"I can't tell if it's the black outfit, the hood, Lenny-"

"Who's Lenny?"

"Oh my Nazgul. He's even scared of me."

Radagast rolled his eyes.

"Maybe it's the sword and morning star you carry with you" the wizard suggested.

"Could be..."

"And probably the dark hood and the fact you have no face and you're supposed to be dead, miles under the ground" the wizard continued.

"I'm a decent guy. I like playing cards, charades, drinking and smoking - all of the guy stuff, ya know?"

Radagast motioned for him to go on; he was getting a bit more comfortable.

"When I try to make a friend they all cower before me. Gothmog is okay, though I can't help call him Potato Face every time I see him - he doesn't like me anymore by the way."

"Generally people don't like being called Potato Face" the wizard pointed out.

"I just don't know what to do, can you help me out?"

"Well...I'd try losing the evil aura that constantly surrounds you. I'd also tell you to go back to your tomb, but since that's not going to happen, start with the black robes; have you tried wearing bright cheery colors - maybe a nice yellow. Get a cuter pet and ditch the giant man-eating, flying, screeching monster. Rabbits are good and help get you around quickly. Ditch the weapons and become a hermit."

"I've never liked killing people and Lenny always gets a rash after biting people - wonder if he's allergic. Anyways, I always feel guilty when heads roll, but the big boss man is relentless" the Witch King admitted.

"Go and escape! Find yourself a nice little hut away from civilization. Lastly, change your name. Introducing yourself as The Witch King, is a bit of a conversation killer."

"You got a point. I think I'll change my name to Gary, I always thought it rolled off the tongue nicely."

"One last thing, maybe you should invite the other Ringwraiths to join you" Radagast suggested.

"An excellent idea! We could have great parties! Thanks so much man!"

The Witch King, now called Gary, jumped from his seat excitedly and frolicked out the door.

"I need some mushrooms" Radagast sighed. He slumped back into his chair and brought out a variety of mushrooms and proceeded to munch on them.


	5. Legolas

/Thank you everyone for reviewing! As you can tell, I take in user recommendations - it's part of my experiment: you give recommendations and I try to accommodate them - well I try my best to; I like to get to know the characters a bit better so that I can make fun of them :). Okay, here we go for another session, up next, Legolas!/

Legolas, also known as Greenleaf, also known as the Prince of Mirkwood was sulking as he entered the therapy room. He plopped himself down in the chair and sighed.

"What's your problem" Saruman asked in a mellow, uninterested voice.

"I can't get any girls" Legolas said; he was on the brink of melting down right there. "They're always flocking to Aragorn. Eowyn, Arwen and everyone else do."

"Can you be a bit more specific of who everyone else is" Saruman questioned, slightly more interested.

"Just Eowyn and Arwen that I know, but I've seen faces look at him" the elf bursted out loud, pointing at the door - there was no one there.

Saruman just sighed and thought, _t__his is going to be highly amusing, seeing as a decent looking elf is being beaten in looks by a mere ranger - still, this is going to require a lot of patience to listen - great_.

"I'm good looking right" Legolas asked in desperation. Saruman nodded; he hadn't heard anything the Prince had just said, he just reacted.

The elf continued, "I keep my hair nice and clean, bathe every month when I can. And I'm an excellent shot - the best in all of Mirkwood! And I have knives too! Aragorn hasn't washed in two months!"

Saruman cleared his throat, "it seems you envy your friend."

"No I don't...it's I just can't see why women don't like me."

"Maybe it's because you think that anyone under 2,000 years old is a child and treat them as such" the wizard pointed out.

"But it's impossible for someone to have lived life if they're not at least 2,000 years old. Not to mention, I'm just a little over 2,000 years old myself and I think it would be wrong if I found someone nearly 2,000 years younger than I."

"Right" Saruman said unconvincingly.

"Am I wrong to think this?"

"I think, master elf, that you should focus on your task and stop caring who that ranger gets together with" the white wizard said frustrated.

"But I'm lonely!"

"Well suck it up princess, we all are and guess what? We die alone too" Saruman shouted.

Legolas began crying.

"Elves," Saruman muttered and sighed, "look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lost my temper. You should tell that ranger how you feel, and maybe he'll help you find someone" he said trying to sound as patient as possible.

"Okay" he said, sniffing and wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

"You know what helps me feel better when I'm feeling down? I take my two fingers like this," the wizard said, taking his right index finger and thumb and making a pinching motion, "and pretend to squish that person's head who's annoying me."

The elf began to laugh and trying it out on Saruman. The wizard became a bit perturbed, "okay now, that's enough lest I start squishing your head. Get out, your session is over."

Legolas walked out, happier and he giggled every time he squished someone's head with his fingers as he walked by them.

/I looked up Legolas and there was no mention of someone special in his life, nor was their any mention in the movie, so I figured I could have some fun with that. In addition, I thought it might be interesting to give Legolas girl problems instead of the usual swarm of fangirls chasing him. Let me know what you think, as usual, feedback is most appreciated! I'm still trying to think of what to with Elladan and Elrohir. Thanks again!/


	6. Boromir

/Thank you for your suggestions and reviews! Sorry about taking a while to update, but I'm back to working my butt off. In the future, I will probably update less frequently but I will try to write a few chapters at once. As requested, here's Boromir's session/

The Captain of Gondor strode in to the room but stopped immediately when his eyes fell upon the elf queen. He had never beheld anything or anyone as radiant as her.

"M...my lady" Boromir said nervously, bowing.

"Stop it, I am thousands of years older than you and happily married" Galadriel scolded. Composing herself, she assumed her usual delicate yet powerful demeanor.

_You desire the Ring_ she communicated to him.

_I desire many things, the Ring among them. _

_It is not wise to covet the Ring. It is evil and has corrupted many noble men._

_The Ring is a gift. It can be used to fight the evil._

The elf queen's calm and collective composure disintegrated. She would have to put on her tough act if she was going to have a chance at making him see sense.

"How thick is your skull? The Ring is evil and it cannot be used to defeat evil. Everyone knows that" the elf queen said.

Boromir was a bit taken aback, "but..."

"I know that you wish to please your father, but bringing the Ring to Gondor will destroy it. Do not listen to a mad man."

"I have seen it though."

"The Palantir? You know that those are just trouble right? Palantiri are used by the Dark Lord."

"But my father has used it to see the plans of Sauron" he protested.

"Your father has gone mad. Gondor is ruins because of his madness."

"Do not speak about my father like that! He is the Steward of Gondor" Boromir said and stood up from his chair, knocking it over.

"And I am an Elf Queen. Your point is invalid. Now, back to your lust for the Ring-It must stop."

"But it's the Ring shiny and pretty. Surely something so evil would not look so pretty."

Galadriel ran out of patience. Of all the races, Men could be the most trying and dumb. She let out a long sigh.

"You die trying to grab the Ring from Frodo" she said hoping it would make the man realize his fault.

Boromir's eyes went wide, then back to normal.

"Did I at least get it?"

"Arg! No dumb fool! If you did, we would all be doomed. How about this, you stop trying to get the Ring and maybe you will live longer. Fair enough?"

"Ring vs life. One does not simply choose irrationally. I choose the Ring!"

"You are irrational. The Ring is not called Isildur's Bane just because someone felt morbid that day" she said in a last attempt to get Boromir to realize the evil that possessed the Ring.

"But it is just so pretty and it calls for me too" Boromir said.

Galadriel made a face palm.  
"Out," she said and pointed to the door, "you have sealed your fate and I cannot make you see sense. Go see Radagast or Elrond, perhaps they can give you something that will screw your head on straight."

"That sounds painful" the Captain noted.

"Not as painful as when I hit you with a very solid object if you do not get out" the elven queen warned.

Boromir whimpered slightly and left quickly.

"Now I know why Elrond has lost some faith in Man. We are doomed" Galadriel muttered.

/Thanks for reading! As usual, leave comments to request a session. I also accept constructive feedback as I want to improve so that I can write more enjoyable pieces. Thanks again!/


	7. Elladan and Elrohir

/Finally, I have required enough info on the twins (Elladan and Elrohir). Actually there wasn't much, so I'm going apply a creative license./

Saruman was still getting over Legolas' girl problems, or rather, lack of. As he began to get comfortable again, his door burst open and two dark-haired elves strolled in. Both were wearing the same robes and were virtually impossible to tell the apart.

"Who are you" he asked.

"I'm Elladan, the oldest" the elf on the right said.

"I'm Elrohir and I'm actually the oldest" the elf on the left said.

"Why are you here" Saruman sighed. He could tell this would be another tiring session.

"Our father, Lord Elrond sent us here" Elrohir answered.

"He wants us to sort out our troublesome ways. His words not mine" Elladan added.

"And what are your troublesome ways?"

"Well, we like to-"

"Prank people" Elrohir finished.

"Why me" Saruman muttered incoherently.

"We were thinking, maybe it's because of our childhood" Elladan said.

"Nah, I think it's because it's so much fun to see the looks on other people's faces" his twin added.

"What ever it is, you should try to put yourselves in other people's shoes" the wizard suggested.

"Oh, we don't mind if people prank us. Hey Elladan, remember when Ada had arranged for us meet those two women and we were so shocked because we thought he was going to send us off to get married?"

"It still scares me" the other admitted.

Saruman made a face palm. He had not known that his fellow council member could be such a trickster, then again there was that one time where his voice went high pitched after he drank a cup of tea. He had always thought it was Gandalf, but it made sense that the culprit was the renowned healer.

"I think you two should try to slowly decrease the number of pranks you play. Start with three a week, and then work your way down to none by the end of the month."

"That's a good idea, but what happens if an opportunity pops up" one of the twins asked, Saruman had lost track of who was who.

"Don't" the wizard replied simply.

The two brothers began talking to each other and Saruman couldn't help but listen in on their conversation.

"Hey Elrohir, I found this gold ring on the path. It might be that Hobbit's ring, we should probably give it back to him" Elladan said, taking out a small golden ring from his robes.

Saruman leaned forward slightly. He could just take it-it was right there. He could tell them to give it to him and they probably would give it to him, or he could just grab it and run. His mouth was slightly open and small beads of sweat formed on his brow.

"Are you okay" one the twins asked with a confused look on his face.

"Huh? Eh hem, yes. Yes I'm fine" Saruman said quickly and leaned back in his chair and wiped his brow with his sleeve.

"No it isn't his. See, says here that it's the property of Glorfindel" Elrohir said, pointing to small elvish markings.

Saruman let out a sigh.

"Let's go return it to Glorfy."

"Thanks" Elladan said and the two elves exited the room.

Saruman sat there wondering if they had intentionally pranked him. There was a knock on the door, it was Elrond.

"I hope my sons did not cause you too much trouble" the elven Lord said.

"No, no. It was fine, no pranking. They're off to a great start" Saruman quickly answered.

"That's good. I brought you some tea" Elrond said, handing Saruman a mug.

The wizard blindly took the mug and took a sip from it. He opened his mouth to speak, but he found he couldn't say anything. The only sound he could make was similar to that of a frog. He looked up from his drink only to find the elf lord gone. _Damn it,_ he thought.

/Let me know what you think!/


	8. Sam

/So, if anyone is interested, I have created a forum where users can ask questions and various characters from Lord of the Rings answer them. You can check out the forum, just search Ask the White Council. Alright, here we go with another session./

"Master Gamgee, have a seat" Elrond motioned.

The hobbit shuffled to the chair nervously.

"I really shouldn't be here. Mr. Gandalf said I should come though, said something about finding courage" the gardener said, looking down at the floor.

"I see" the elf said, raising one eyebrow. "Well, what do you find that you do well?"

"Uh...um...I garden?"

"Gardening takes great skill and patience my wife always said."

"Yeah, but it's not like fighting or anything" Sam mumbled.

"What do you think you contribute to the Fellowhip" the elf asked.

"I cook food for everyone and carry bags for Mr. Frodo. That's about it."

"I am sure you bring much more than that, Mithrandir has good judgement of character and potential."

"But I'm just dead weight. I'm fat. That Gollum thing constantly calls me a fat hobbit! That creature, he eats things raw and doesn't wear anything except a brown cloth and I don't see what Mr. Frodo sees in him. Whenever I talk back to him, Mr. Frodo takes his side. I am sure Gollum is going to kill us"

"You feel that Gollum is threatening your friendship with Master Baggins and you feel that you are useless."

"I don't know how to hold a sword! Mr. Frodo got a sword and he's been twirling it around and Merry and Pippin have been learning swordplay from Boromir."

"And you feel left out?"

Sam nodded his head. "How am I suppose to defend myself? With a frying pan?"

"There was once a young man who was on kitchen duty, when suddenly there was a goblin raid. He grabbed the nearest object, an iron clad pan and ran to help defend the city. We were lucky that day, but for the longest time afterwards he was known as the Kitchen Slayer. I tell you this because it does not matter what weapon you wield, it is the person behind the weapon who accomplishes great things" Elrond said.

"Oh..."

"You will find your courage Master Gamgee" Elrond assured.

Sam sat there for a few moments, letting the words sink in. Then he had an idea.

"I was wondering, you know how swords have names" the hobbit asked. The elf lord nodded.

"Could you name my frying pan?"

Elrond smiled, "of course."

Sam rummaged his pack and brought out his favorite pan and handed it to the elf lord.

"This pan shall be henceforth known as the Orc Pelter" Elrond announced.

A smile formed on Sam's face, already he felt he was a mightier warrior when Elrond handed the pan back to the Hobbit.

"Thank you Lord Elrond."

"May it serve you well Master Gamgee."

Sam got up from his chair, pan in hand and turned to leave. Before he left he turned back, "Who was the man in the story" he asked.

"Estel, but it would be best if we kept the story between us" Elrond said.

Sam nodded and strolled out of the room feeling more confident and trying to imagine Aragorn wielding a frying pan.

/Thanks for reading! As usual, I am most appreciative if you leave a review!/


	9. Glorfindel

/As requested, here is Glorfindel's session!/

Glorfindel walked confidently into the room and sat opposite the Brown Wizard.

"Before we begin, you will not tell anyone that I was here. No one can know that the Balrog Slayer needed help" the golden haired elf stated, making a stern face.

"Of course. Mushroom" Radagast offered.

Glorfindel made a confused look, "no thanks, but thanks."

"No problem, more for me" the wizard said happily and popped one in his mouth.

"So I'm here because even though I am the Balrog Slayer and have done great deeds, I'm being driven crazy by my trainees. Do you know what it's like to babysit Elrond's sons, let alone try to teach them how to fight? Now I've a group of trainees that are comparable to the twins."

"Can't be too bad, I'd be happy with that. I mean, I it's better than facing a Balrog" Radagast pointed out.

"No, it's not that bad. It's actually quite amusing watching young elves try to shoot arrows, not fun when hits you in the bottom - Elrond couldn't stop laughing when he visited me in the healing hall."

"I don't think I could teach young people, I have a hard enough time training my rabbits and anyways, I prefer to hide in my tree house in the company of forest animals."

Glorfindel gave the wizard another confused look and then continued, "I've ran out of tactics. There's this one group that are very rambunctious and will not listen to me. I've tried reasoning with them, threatening them, nothing works!"

"Is there anytime where they behave properly?"

"Only when Lord Elrond is around" Glorfindel sighed.

"I suppose he can't be around all the time. Hmm, why not have him instruct them" Radagast suggested.

"He's too busy as a watcher over Middle Earth. It's too bad I couldn't get a small horde of Orcs to raid them. That'll show them and I'd like to see the look on their faces."

"Why not send them out on patrol where there's lots of Orcs?"

"That's a good idea! Of course, if Elrond found out, he'd have my head."

"You should go with them, but hide as you go so they don't know. Give them the impression that they're on there own, but when things get serious, go in and fend off the Orcs."

"I like the way you think" Glorfindel smiled.

"It's the mushrooms, makes me think clearer. Though one time I ate this orange spotted mushroom and ended up in a stable with some horses."

"So what's it like counselling people" the elf asked.

"Not too bad, I had the Witch King come in. He's alright now. What's it like to slay a Balrog?"

"Well, not including the fact it takes forever to get the soot out of clothes, it's not bad. I mean, it's a huge creature that has big horns and carries a fiery whip and is trying to kill you. I tried talking to one, but I realized he couldn't understand what I was saying when he interrupted me with a huge roar. Balrogs do not brush their teeth by the way. But that was a long time ago, and now I face different challenges" Glorfindel finished.

"You'll be fine. Maybe you could find me afterwards and tell me how it goes, I don't get that type of entertainment in the woods" Radagast said.

"Will do" the great elf said and stood up and left.

/Read and Review, much appreciated. And if you're interested, check out my forum "Ask the White Council" where you can ask various characters from Middle Earth any question you can think of! Link: forum/Ask-The-White-Council/125844/ Thank you!/


	10. Gimli

/Here we go for another session!/

Gandalf sat in his chair, slowly blowing out smoke rings. His next appointment was late. Noticing that he was almost out of pipeweed, he got up from the chair and was going to leave. Before he had reached the door, a certain dwarf walked in.

"I made up my mind. Just don't tell the pointy-eared elf" Gimli muttered.

Gandalf looked bemused, "and which elf would that be my dear Gimli? We are in Rivendell after all."

"Any of them. Can't let them see a dwarf in a weakened state" Gimli replied quickly, looking around to see if there were any nearby elves.

"I will close the door then" the wizard said, and motioned for the dwarf to take his seat.

"So master dwarf, what brings you here?"

"Elves...I mean, I don't like them, especially the blonde one who swings his hair in my face all the time."

"Ah, Legolas. And why, apart from having hair in you face, do you not like him?"

"He cheats. Whenever we have a bet of who can kill the most orcs, he cheats. One time he took down a massive troll and considered it equivalent to three orcs! I lost that bet by two! I would have one if that stupid pointy-eared no good princely elf hadn't cheated!"

Gandalf thought about this before speaking, "well, trolls are considerably larger than orcs, but you have point. A life is a life. Perhaps you should measure your kills by lives, instead of one particular creature."

"Still that elf insists he is better than me. He makes fun of my height. When I can't see something, he offers me a box. And have you seen the way he holds back a laugh when I need help getting on a horse? Of all the people, why did I get stuck with the elf!"

"Perhaps it is your fate to rekindle the friendship between elves and dwarves. Surely you felt differently when you met the Lady Galadriel?"

"W-well yes. But that's different. And off topic. We're talking about Legolas."

"Yes, yes. I would advise that you try not to take things to heart too much" the wizard said.

"We are a proud race, we dwarves. I can't just let some elf prince claim he is better than me when he is not!"

"Of course master dwarf."

"You're a wizard. You could give me something, something to make that arrogant elf flub up, or chicken out when he sees orcs. Ha-ha, I would love to see his scared face!"

"I'm afraid I cannot give you anything like that for multiple reasons: one, I don't really brew concoctions that match your description, two, you could ask Lord Elrond for a hallucinogenic, or Radagast for a mushroom that makes people see illusions - but they would not give such a thing to you, third and lastly, it is counter-productive."

"You side with the elves!"

"Your stubbornness is almost equivalent to Thorin Oakenshield's. Then again, all dwarves test my patience - and you do not want to see an angry wizard" Gandalf boomed.

Gimli eyed him suspiciously, "then what should I do about this matter?"

"Make friends with elves, you fool!"

The dwarf grumbled something incoherent.

"Elves are a wonderful folk. While some do pass on an aura of arrogance, most are kind and friendly. I am sure that if you make an effort to be friendly to Legolas, he will make the same effort. Who knows, you may become the best of friends!"

"Best friends, pshh. I'd rather have my eye poked out" Gimli retorted.

"It seems you have already made up your mind, which consists of nothing except pride. Dwarves, if I knew if I had to work with dwarves again, I would have had Elrond brew me a knock-out tea!"

"Why does everyone hate dwarves?"

"Not everyone, well except for trolls, orcs, goblins, *cough* some elves *cough*. Most are just tired of dealing with consistent stubbornness and lack of cooperation."

"Oh, well I can see where some would get that impression. But still, you have not helped me with my problem!"

"If the counselling I have already given you has not helped the least little bit, then I cannot help you until you see within in yourself and fix the problem there" the wizard said, eyebrows raised, his voice slightly impatient.

The dwarf took sometime thinking to himself before getting up and leaving.

"Wizards" he mumbled on his way out.

"I heard that" Gandalf hollered back.

/And that's Gimli's session! Comments are most welcome! If you're interested, check out the forum: Ask the White Council - you can ask members of the council and various other people of Middle Earth any question, literally! Here's the link, which you will have to copy into the browser's url box: forum/Ask-the-White-Council/125844/ Thank you!/


	11. A Meeting

/So this one is not a session, but rather a regroup of the White Council and there thoughts on how things are going./

"I think that our first few sessions went quite well" Gandalf said, smiling.

"I agree. My first walk-in was the Witch King. Scared the living daylight out of me at first, but he seems to be a really nice guy" Radagast added.

Saruman's eyes widened, "you talked to the Witch King, and didn't tell us. We could have imprisoned him back in his tomb you idiot!"

"We can call him Gary now, that's his name. And he's decided to take his fellow ringwraiths to the far edges of Middle Earth, dress in bright colors and have no contact with civilization" the brown wizard said with satisfaction.

"Well done my cousin" the grey wizard said, landing a hard pat to the brown's back; Radagast, coughed.

"I think we are settling problems, and that is a good thing" Elrond said.

"I've only had one come in" Galadriel said with a tone of sadness.

"It is only because they would get distracted by your beauty my lady" Gandalf said.

*Celeborn off in the distance:* "That's my wife, you crazy old coot!"

"My gosh, he gets all riled up whenever anyone pays a compliment" the elven lady sighed.

"I'm not interested in your marital affairs" Saruman said, before being cut off by Elrond, "I am. I need stories to tell Celebrian when I see her again."

"Shut it elf lord! I was talking" the white wizard shouted.

"I think you need some counselling yourself my friend" Gandalf said, Radagast nodded in agreement.

Saruman made a face palm.

"Oh I know what we could do! Maybe we could invite others from different lands to come! Surely there are just as many problems out there as there are here" Radagast said wide-eyed.

"That is a good idea, but we should try to solve the problems of Middle Earth first and foremost" Elrond said sternly.

"Whatever, let's just get back to work" Saruman sighed.

/Alright, you heard Radagast's suggestion! I will still do Lord of the Rings characters for the majority of the sessions, but will accept recommendations of other characters too. Comments most welcome, thank you!/


	12. Denethor

/Here we go for another round of sessions! This one is longer and I hope to get another session up in the next week. Up next, Denethor.../

Galadriel looked out at the view of the waterfall from the window. Few had come through her doors to seek advice and she was beginning to get a bit bored. However, her boredom was short lived when she heard the shuffling of feet. Turning around, she saw the Steward of Gondor. _Great, another one. Why do I get all the idiots, _she asked herself. Letting out a quiet sigh, she put on her best kind face.

"I am told that my son came to seek your advice" the gray-haired man said.

"You are correct" the elf queen answered.

"And what matters did you discuss with him?"

"I'm afraid I cannot tell you as that would break the trust of client and counselor."

"I see," Denethor nodded, "how would it be best to obtain the ring," he asked as casually as he could without sound desperate.

"There are many rings, which do you refer to?"

"The One Ring" he answered hastily.

"Ah, I had a feeling that was the one. Well the simplest answer I can give you is that you cannot obtain it."

Denethor furrowed his brow and showed signs of frustration, "now look here, I came here to seek advice. I decided not see a wizard because I despise them, and the other elf was intimidating, so all that left was you. As Steward of Gondor, I demand you tell me how to get the Ring from the halfling."

"Elves are not obliged to help men, besides the White Council has decided to help those troubled in Middle Earth, not to help people gain objects of evil."

"But I am troubled! Gondor needs the Ring. Only Gondor can use its power against the Dark Lord. I have seen it" Denethor proclaimed.

"Oh Eru, here we go with the seeing things again," Galadriel sighed, putting a hand to her forehead. "Let's do the math here. You are crazy and you happen to be a steward of a very important realm. Do you see where I am going with this? You are not fit to look after Gondor, thus whatever your reasons for obtaining the Ring or using it are invalid and completely irrational."

Denethor turned beet red, "HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE RULER OF GONDOR!"

"Actually, the proper ruler of Gondor is on a quest, but he will reclaim his crown shortly" the golden-haired queen stated matter-of-factly.

The Steward drew his sword, "You want to take this outside eh? Come at me."

"Wow, a sword. Because I have never fought against a sword with my bare hands before. Really? I am an elf queen. I have fought in wars long before you were born. I wear a ring of power, and you're going to threaten me with a blunt sword" Galadriel said, unimpressed.

"Well, if I had the Ring, we'd be more evenly matched," he said. Denethor sighed and put his sword back in its sheath and returned to his normal skin color. "I'm sorry. I've got a temper, at least, that's what my second son tells me."

"Faramir."

"No not him. I don't care about him. I made up an imaginary second son. He's basically another Boromir-actually he's called Boromir too. Anyways, I just want this all to be over. I want the black clouds to be gone and the orcs to stop raiding villages. Do you know what it does to tourism - the clouds and orcs? Tourism has dropped sixty percent in the last five years! Fortunately I found a Palantir, and am able to communicate my concerns to the Dark Lord and he has told me he is working on a more eco-friendly way - whatever that means- of making his army in order to reduce the smoke. He said he couldn't do anything about the orcs though because his hands were tied."

"Funny," Galadriel said sarcastically.

Denethor didn't pick up on the sarcasm, "I know, because he doesn't have any hands - he's just a giant flaming eyeball suspended in a black tower," he said laughing.

"That's just great. Hey I have a funny story to tell you" Galadriel said with fake enthusiasm.

"I love funny stories" Denethor exclaimed and sat down to listen intently.

"Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away, there was this man who was not so smart. He ruled a wonderful realm, but there was a darkness threatening to take hold of the free realm and consume it. Being foolish, he did not take heed of the warning given to him by a powerful and wise being. This was his downfall and he was driven into madness."

"What happened next" Denethor asked anxiously for he hated the suspense of a good story.

"He caught on fire and fell from a cliff to his death" the elf queen finished flatly.

"I don't see how that was supposed to be funny" the Steward said with disappointment.

"Trust me, when you can see this small ball of flame dropping from a tall cliff, and then rewinding it over and over again, it is pretty funny and satisfying."

Denethor squeezed his eyes shut and tried to envision it, "nope not there," his stomach growled. "Must be time for lunch-my stomach never lies! Well, I best be going."

The Steward got up and walked out the door.

"I am glad that is over" Galadriel sighed.

/There it is! I've actually rewinded the part where Denethor falls off the cliff many times - it's sad I know, and probably not the nicest thing. Anyways, comments are appreciated!/


	13. Gollum and Smeagol

/Here goes!/

Saruman was resting his eyes when all of the sudden, his door burst open and a raspy voice shouted, "Precious!"

The wizard jolted from his chair, "what on Middle Earth!"

"Precious," the creature kept shouting.

"It isn't here" Saruman said impatiently.

"But we knows it was here!"

"Who are you" the wizard said with disgust.

"Gollum, Smeagol" the creature said with happiness.

Saruman was thrown off by the creature's sudden change in behavior.

"What does your um...precious look like" the white wizard asked slowly.

"Shiny, pretty...precious" Gollum said with excitement.

"That narrows it down a lot" Saruman muttered.

"We knows a stupid fat hobbit has it" Gollum spat.

"But hobbitses are nice" Smeagol said.

"Do you want the precious" Gollum asked.

"Yes, we wants it. We wants it!"

"Then shut up" Gollum said.

Saruman was fed up with the back and forth conversation the mentally insane creature was having.

"Are you done" he snapped.

Gollum glared at Saruman.

"When was the last time you saw your precious" the wizard asked as patiently as he could.

"We firsts saws in a river when fishing with Deagol. Bad Deagol. Deagol tried to take it from us. We kills Deagol and we tooks it for ourselves."

"No, no, no! I said, when was the last time you saw it" Saruman huffed angrily.

Gollum concentrated and tried to remember, his forehead wrinkled as he thought.

"We saws it...we saws it. We don't remembers" Smeagol finally said in defeat.

Gollum began to rummage through all the drawers, flipping over chairs and throwing books from shelves. He let out a terrible scream in frustration and began to sob and punched at the ground.

"My precious! Oh where are you my precious? Come back to me" Smeagol cried, elongating the last syllable.

Saruman just sat there, face in palm. _Why do I get the weird ones. I wonder who sent this foul creature. _

"Ehem, Gollum-Smeagol, whatever, who sent you" the wizard asked.

Gollum sniffed, "the brown one, gots bird crap on his head - nasty. Said to find the one in white cloth. Said you be good at finding things."

_Of course it was Radagast, who else. The fool should have never come with them, but it wasn't my choice. _There was a ruckus just outside the door and a moment later, Gandalf was standing in the doorway pointing his staff at the creature, who scrambled away as fast as he could.

"What is the meaning of this Gandalf! Can't you see I'm trying to help him" Saruman shouted.

"We've been looking for this bugger."

"Oh really? How come no one tells me anything! I'm the head of the order!"

As the two wizards were bickering, Gollum saw a glint of gold from outside of the window.

"Precious," he yelled and smashed through the glass window.

The two wizards, soon joined by Elrond, went to the window to see where the creature had gone but they found no signs of him.

"Great, now I've got a broken window. You're paying for a new window" the elf said looking at the white wizard with his infamous glare.

Saruman knew better than to argue, for the elf lord could brew up a tea with severe and most embarrassing side effects. _One of these days_, Saruman thought with hatred.

"I suppose he thought he found the Ring" Gandalf said, half bemused.

Saruman snapped out his revengeful train of the thought, "wait, he was looking for the Ring. Meaning he was in possession of it at some point in time?"

Gandalf gave him an of-course-silly-everyone-knows-it look and left. Saruman cursed his luck, _one of these days...one of these days!_

/Thanks for reading, and remember, I'm still taking suggestions :) Reviews are much appreciated!/


	14. Sauron

/Here goes nothing!/

A fiery ball rolled around the halls of Rivendell and into a brightly lit room.

"Radagast" the flaming ball said in its low hissing voice.

The brown wizard shivered and slowly turned around.

"What d'you do with ma workers" the flaming eye asked suddenly in a high pitched voice, completely different from its normal spine-chilling voice.

The wizard said nothing.

"Look here, I know whatchoo did. They didn't even invite me to their party! After all those times I consoled what's-his-face, wait, he don't have a face no more" the eye said with lots of sass.

"Umm..."

"D'you know how hard it is to be a flaming eyeball? Everyone's scared to go near you cause they think you have allergies or something. And the ones that do, they throw pepper - d'you know how much pepper hurts?"

"Your voice-," Radagast began.

"Ya I know. I just do that to scare people. Y'know, keep the trespassers out of my garden. It took a long time to plan where all the trees and bushes were going to go."

"There is no vegetation in Mordor" the wizard pointed out weakly.

"It's the damn volcano. I tried talking to it, asking if it could not emit those toxic fumes over my garden, but nooo, it's gotta do what it wants to do" the eye explained.

"Your Sauron, your evil" Radagast said, trying to being brave.

"It wasn't my idea. I wanted to be a fashion designer, or a landscaper but ma daddy told me I couldn't. During our rebel years, the Witch King and I decided to start a clothing line - that's why we needed all the orcs, mass production. He found some of his kingly friends to spread the word and we began to produce small things like jewelry."

"How did that go" the wizard asked, now sitting comfortably in his chair.

"Nothing sold. It was a hard market to get into, y'know with the elves and dwarves making their stuff. I got tired of not seeing profit, so I decided to make a ring that would make me successful. Well never trust an elf, he screwed up. I may have over reacted when I killed him. Ma daddy always told me I had a bad temper, that I shoulda got some help, but I was lazy. Oh and then the most abominable thing happened! The elves, men and dwarves decided to make an alliance and evict me from my home! Now that I look back on it, maybe I shouldn't have tried to take over everything - but I really wanted space for ma new garden."

"I'm not sure gathering a massive army clearly indicated you wanted an expansion of your backyard" the wizard noted.

"True, but that's done now and I'm left as a giant flaming eyeball suspended in a tower. By the way, what did'you tell ma workers" Sauron asked.

"I told them they didn't have to kill, but instead that they should go have fun. The Witch King changed his name to Gary."

"I heard that from some of the Orcs. Y'know, I'm really heartbroken that they didn't invite me. I know I've been busy and stuff, but to do that behind my back like that?"

"Have you considered expressing your feelings to them?"

"I suppose I could. But then what about my pursuit to find the One Ring" Sauron asked.

"No offence or anything, but you should probably give it up - it's going to bite you where it hurts the most. And about your dad, I would tell him to shove it. It's your life - do what you want to do" Radagast answered.

"You're right! It's about time I took control of my life - he's not even in Middle Earth" the flaming eye exclaimed and began to roll out of the room.

Radagast watched as the Dark Lord Sauron rolled away, dodging feet and ranting about taking control of his life. The wizard sat back in his chair and slowly ate a nice soft and tasty mushroom.

/And that's that! Thank you for reading! Reviews are much appreciated :) /


	15. He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named

/No, I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth...yet. Here we go with the first of the "different universe" session. Guest counselling is Celeborn, cause Galadriel is having "power issues"/

There he was sitting in a fairly comfortable chair, sipping on a well brewed tea. The sun was shining, the day was warm; and finally he was able to show his skills in counselling - usually people would seek his wife's advice and not give him another thought, but today was the day. His opportunity arose because Galadriel was having a difficult day - it was one of those days where she went slightly crazy due to her ring, Nenya, _or was it something else? _He thought for a moment before pushing it out his mind. He had been building himself up for giving counsel - he wasn't called the wise for no reason after all!

A tall pale man walked through the doorway and stood at the entrance to the room. He was clad in black robes, bald and had no nose; his eyes were like slits. Celeborn looked at his piece of paper with the day's appointments,

"You must be Tom Riddle" the elf said standing up and offered a hand to shake.

The tall bald man just looked at the hand and sat, "it's Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, or Lord Voldemort" he said coldly.

Celeborn just smiled and retracted his hand and sat back down.

"You are a Lord? Which realm do you rule" the Lord of Lothlórien asked.

"If things go my way, the entire Wizarding World will serve under me" Voldemort answered with a sly smile, staring at the elf lord with intent.

Celeborn nodded, _looks like another psycho path. No wonder why Galadriel wanted a day off. _

"You hide your thoughts well" Voldemort said, leaning back into his chair.

"Yes, well it is what you learn when your wife is telepathic," Celeborn said with a sigh, "now what was it you wanted counselling in?"

"I didn't. I was told that the Potter boy would be here. It seems that the old man has plotted something again."

"And how does that make you feel" Celeborn asked.

"Well, it is a bit annoying. But one day, he shall die and no one shall bother me again."

"Except for the Potter boy" the elf added.

Voldemort closed his eyes for a moment, "yes, yes. I know."

The elf readjusted himself, "now why do you want to get rid of the old man and the boy?"

"Well, for one, I like challenges and they have been especially hard to kill. I tried killing the boy when he was an infant, but my curse backfired on me."

Celeborn leaned in a bit more, "wait a moment. You could not kill the boy?"

Voldemort grew impatient, "no. His stupid mother had to complicate everything with her sacrifice," he said, rolling his eyes.

"Your case sounds a lot like Sauron, our Dark Lord. In fact, he was just in here a few days ago. One of the counselors helped him out. Turned out he was just lonely and wanted to follow his dreams of landscaping."

"But I Want To Take Over The World! I -" Voldemort was cut off.

"Do you have any friends, or do simply just scare people into liking you" Celeborn asked.

The Dark Lord stopped and thought for a moment. Now that he thought about it, he didn't really have any friends. But he didn't care about that. At that moment, he reflected on a cute little ball of fur that he once held dear to him.

"Please, express yourself. It will help you heal" the elf said.

"I-I had this puppy when I was five. I found it in an alley," Voldemort began, staring down at his hands as if the little pup was sleeping in them.

"Go on" Celeborn encouraged.

"I took it to my orphanage and placed it in a box. I fed it, groomed it and everything. We were happy together, and I hid him when anyone would come by my room. Then the rest of the orphans found out and came to see what I found. They beat me up and took the puppy. I can still here his howls" Voldemort said, tears forming in his eyes.

Celeborn pulled out a handkerchief and gave it the sobbing Dark Lord. Voldemort blew his nose, which slightly surprised Celeborn as he thought that Voldemort didn't have a nose.

"I have a pet snake, but it's a bit hard to cuddle with her. Not to mention she's hungry for human flesh every minute" Voldemort said between his blowings.

"So I assume your vengeful hate for people is bred from the loss of your puppy and the cruel behavior of the other children" the elf said.

Voldemort nodded, "and because I hate everyone anyways."

"Well, the only piece of counsel I can give you is to hold a proper funeral for your puppy, move on and try to forgive. You probably have a large hole in your soul due to your tragic memory."

"Which piece of my soul? Because I have seven" Voldemort said, still sobbing slightly.

_Well, that's an issue all in its self. _"Perhaps it is best if you retrieve the other parts of your soul first. You should make amends with your followers and your enemies. The world would be a brighter place, and you may even be surprised at what a positive and light way of thinking can bring. Now you go think on that and do not hesitate to come back if you have any questions" Celeborn said.

Voldemort nodded, blew his nose one last time and stood up. He offered Celeborn the handkerchief back, but the elf said that the Dark Lord could keep it. Voldemort thanked him and left the room.


End file.
